Exploring Asexual Relationships

Asexuality seems to be making something of a splash in the world these days, with increased visibility and information available about this aspect of sexual orientation. One this that tends to confuse a good many people, though, is the concept of asexual relationships. How do asexual people date? Do they even want to? Are asexuals destined to remain single for the rest of their lives? Do they date more than one person at a time?

The answer, of course, is entirely dependant upon the person in question, the same way it goes for people of any given orientation. There's no hard and fast answer to this issue, but this article attempts to shed some light on various issues I have come across when talking to other asexuals about dating.

I hesitate to use the word 'classification' when talking about the general divides between asexual romantic interest, since it sounds too much like I'm cataloging and compiling information for some scientific study. 'Divisions', I think, is probably the best way to express the concept.

If a person identifies as asexual, it means they have little to no sex drive, little to no interest in sexual encounters with somebody. it doesn't mean, however, that they don't crave romance or romantic relationships. Some do, while others don't. And like other sexual orientations, asexuals can be attracted to the opposite sex, the same sex, or either sex. For simplification, a lot of asexuals tend to use the ending "-romantic" for their preferences instead of "-sexual". For example, a female who is asexual and prefers to date other females might refer to themselves as "homoromantic." I myself am biromantic, in that I have an equal attraction to males and females. (Though I don't exclude others who don't fall into such clear-cut categories, either.)

There are some who, in addition to not having any sexual desire, also do not feel any romantic desire, choosing to not engage in romantic relationships. The term "aromantic" is often applied here, to signify that lack of interest. In this way it becomes a bit easier for somebody who is asexual to express their dating preferences, or lack thereof.

Using the "-romantic" ending can also help to avoid a lot of awkward conversations when explaining asexuality to another. "So how come you're dating someone if you're not interested in them?" It isn't that we wouldn't be interested in the person or people we date, it's that we feel no desire to take the relationship to a sexual level. Contrary to what seems like popular opinion (especially amongst today's youth), one can have a perfectly healthy relationship without bringing sexual contact into the mix.

But what about cases where an asexual dates someone who has desire for sexual contact? Believe me, it does happen. Not ever asexual dates specifically within a small pool of other asexuals, after all.

Once more, the situation is different for each person involved, but there seems to be a somewhat common response to the issue. Some (not all) asexuals who are with a sexual partner can and do enjoy sex, though not quite in the same way that most sexual people do. Many asexual people take great pleasure in knowing that they're giving their partner pleasure, and for them, that's enough. Or in some cases, it's enough to overcome any displeasure they may feel at the thought of having sex in the first place.

Others respond to this by allowing their partner to have sex with other people, so long as it doesn't go beyond sex into the realm of the romantic. These people often feel as though it's unfair to keep their partner from doing something they clearly enjoy, and so allow them to find that pleasure elsewhere. This isn't a particularly common situation, but I have seen it done in some relationships, by the mutual agreement of all involved. A lot of people tend to caution against this kind of relationship, however, saying that the stress of knowing your partner is enjoying themselves elsewhere can lead to resentment and jealousy and will ultimately cause the relationship to fail.

Once more, though, this is entirely dependant on the people involved. Some polyamorous relationships work, and who am I to say otherwise just because it isn't my prefered way of doing things?

I hear you asking, "But isn't sex something healthy, something that's good to have." The answer is yes. Sex has a lot of health benefits, and that can't be denied. But to say that a healthy relationship must contain sex on that basis alone is like saying that a woman gets those benefits from being raped. (Extreme example, I admit, but bear with me on this.) If a couple aren't interested in sex, then some of those benefits just don't happen. You get physical exercise and some accompanying chemical/hormonal benefits, but since some benefits of sex are also emotional and psychological, forcing oneself to do that just because "it's healthy" takes away some of the health benefits.

I would like to also point out that sex in some relationships isn't always advised, perhaps due to medical reasons. Are these relationships unhealthy because of it? The disapproval comes into things when it becomes plain that two people aren't having sex by choice. If it's for a medical reason, then that's okay, but some people can't seem to grasp that people would actively choose to not do something that 90% of the population considers enjoyable. It's a choice. it's not something to be pitied, and it is something that should be respected. Believe me, we get enough nagging from "concerned" friends and family, trying to sell them on the benefits of sex as though it's the be-all and end-all of existance, as though our lives will be incomplete unless we're doing it 3 times a week.

So what occurs in an asexual relationship? Do they kiss? Do the sleep in the same bed? See each other in the buff?

(I'm sure you can see this answer coming a mile away by now.) It all depends. I know an asexual couple who share an apartment but do not share a bed, or even a bedroom. They are perfectly happy this way. Others share beds, wander around in the nude, whatever they like. This is the sort of thing that is usually addressed when going into the relationship, the way it usually is for a sexual relationship. Just because two people are sexually involved doesn't mean they have to sleep in the same bed all the time, and just because two people are not sexually involved doesn't mean they can't share the same bed.

As for kissing, well, they can if they want to. Some have no interest at all in kissing, finding it too close to more intimate contact that they're not comfortable with. Others don't mind, and plenty enjoy it. Everything is dependant on the people involved, and there is not hard and fast rule that applies to everyone.

Some people may argue that some asexual relationships aren't real relationships at all, at least not romantic ones. If two people don't kiss, don't sleep together, then what's the difference between that and friendship? And really, I think this is a valid question. What is the difference?

It's all in the feelings. It's a mutual acknowledgement of attraction, an agreement that you're going to spend time as partners. Outwardly, to the casual observer, there may be no difference between an asexual relationship and a close friendship. But get inside their heads, and there's a world of difference. When you're not touching your significant other, do you go back to just being friends until you touch again? No, your feelings remain, your commitment, your interest. What makes a relationship isn't the outward expression as perceived by outsiders, but the inward affection shared by the people involved.

And that, my friends, makes all the difference.